New script

( Credits roll infront of curtain)
Tom: Hello?
Moira: Hello Tom, It's Moira.
Steve: And Steve.
Tom: Oh hey guys.
Moira: Would you be willing to come over tomorrow.
Steve: We have something we'd like to show you.
Tom: Ok.
Moira: Excellent.
Steve: Ok see you at 7.
Tom: Alright. ( Looks at phone after they hung up and hangs up. Tom on phone in a different outfit.) Hey... Lise?
Lise: Yes?
Tom: Have you been over to Steve and Moira's lately.
( Tom comes into house, there is a series of signs that lead him to the couch. He sits down. And looks at the stage. Lights go out.)
Lise: Yeah.
Tom: Do you remember them doing something odd?
Lise: Yeah.
Perry: Oh no, are you talking about that thing at Steve and Moira's?
( Moira enters the stage with a lamp as a staff.)
Moira: I am Artemis, Goddess of the Moon, goddess of the hunt. ( Steve enters,) Who dares enter the realm of Artemis?
Steve: Oh no, I meant no trespass.
Moira: ( Close Up)From now on you will only know pain! ( Points lamp at Steve who twists and writhes and takes off his shirt and then pretends to be a dear) You will sate my dogs next meal.
Tom: I'm not sure what that was supposed to be.
Steve: AAAAAAAAAAAACH!
( Close up on Tom.)
Someone Else: I think it was supposed to be a devised performance.
Al: Yeah that makes sense.
Moira: Who are you, who were you?
Steve: I was a centurion.
Moira: You were a fool!
Steve: And you were a whore!
Moira: You are a whore! That is what it is to be in Rome.
Steve: Rome is a graveyard.
Moira: Rome is a brothel.
( Close up on Tom)
Both: ROME ROME ROME CAESAR CAESAR's ROME.
( Long shot of them)
Steve: I am blind!
Moira: We are all blind.
Lise: Yeah but it had no structure at all. I mean they were doing things that didn't make sense.)
Steve: ( At desk) My summer with sally was the most interresting time I ever had. She and I had many interesting conversations. She was staying in my cottage during the summer while I was working on my novel. I never knew how much she influenced me until she went back to New York to become an Actress. ( Close up on Tom) Oh hello Sally ( Back to them)
Moira: Oh Martin, you're still writing that book. Come outside, we'll have fun talking about the trees.
Steve: Just one more chapter.
Moira: Oh you'll never appreciate my whimsy until I'm gone back to New York, and then where will you be.
Steve: Oh Sally.
Perry: Stop talking about this. I don't want to think about it anymore.
( Film noir style)
Steve: Are you she?
Moira: ( French Accent) I am she. But I may not be the she you are looking for.
Steve: You are, I know you are.
Moira: ... I do many different things for many different people. I am not sure if you are ready for what I will do for you.
Steve: I am. ( Throws voice to make a caw sound) What was that.
Moira: It was a bird, never mind. Kiss me. ( They kiss. She slaps him, they kiss. he slaps her) you're a brute.
Steve: I love you.
Mr.T: Do you think we should talk to them? I mean these are our friends. We care about them.
Moira: Poppa, ever since the war took your voice, I've been so lonely. I don't know to do. There's a boy. Oh poppa, you never could tell me about the world, I had to grow up so fast, I never got to be girl. ( Graps onto Steve's head) Poppa! Poppa! The eternal Autumn is upon us.
Ms. Linternmole: I liked it, I felt like it really connected to me and the inner drama that we all face. It was like a rainbow of human emotion.
( Close up shot of Moira looking intense and then screaming)
Lise: Ugh, the Shakespeare!
Perry: Stop talking about it.
Steve: ( Shakespeare)
Tom: What am I going to do? They want me to come over tomorrow. They're going to ask me what they thought?
Lise: Well I think you should ( Perry grabs phone and then hangs it up on, Tom)
( Tom, Steve Moira eating together.)
Steve: So what did you think?
Tom: Think of what?
Steve: Of the food.
Tom: Oh ... I like the food.
Moira: The food is marvelous Steve.
Steve: Thank you!
( They continue to eat)

Nevermind this it's not done

( A meadow, a knight enters)

Barrimore: Has there ever been such a grand entrance? Has there? In all the stories, all the tales, all the poems epic limerick and haiku “ A brave knight enters, So magnificent and bold, With strength abound... yes”, not even that. Certainly there are no songs, or plays either tragic, comic, or avant garde. You could describe it as operatic, if only I had a motif. Wait! ( Goes off stage and reenters galloping around the stage humming a fanfare.) Nothing so remarkable, nothing so momentous, nothing so tremendous stupendous horrendous as this entrance. Indeed who could hope to match the scene stopping power of, none other than, ( Hums fanfare) Sir Barrimore. ( Throwing his voice) Who is Barrimore? ( Back as himself) WHO IS BARRIMORE? You can’t be serious. You’ve never heard of him? Well listen intently, I will regail you. Sir Barrimore, Barrimore the bold, Barrimore the brave, Barrimore the best. Barrimore of The Old Wood, Barrimore of the New Wood, Barrimore of this rock. Barrimore son of Barrimee who was the son of Barridu, who was the nephew of Barridee. Barrimore! That’s me.

Was it not I who so valiantly saved the good kingdom of Glocknokespiel from the evil Giant, Malagnoktokton. Oh such a battle one has never seen. Tall as a tree he was, with long sturdy legs, and a big booming voice, and a beard so heavy it could be used as a club. There I stood sword ready. There he towered, beard swinging. He thought he could simply squish me by stepping on me. Big mistake, for I ducked between his toes and then ran up his heels. Scurrying and stabbing and stabbing and scurrying all up his body. He laughed at first, He laughed till hey realized he was very slowly bleeding to death and had to return to his lair to get some bandages. The town cheered, called me a hero, offered me their willing virgin daughters but I refused. How they pleaded, how they begged. Throwing their nubile bodies at mine, hoping they could seduce me with collected piled weight. But I was too mighty, and I knew there was only one maiden for me, the best one, and I shall remain pure for her, as pure as she is for me. She is in yonder castle, guarded jealously by an evil lord. I shall travail all the moats, drawbridges and, drawbridge engineers he can put in my way. I will have my princess, but first I must return to my camp, for I forgot my grappling hook. ( Runs off, another knight enters)

Rabbidu: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh such a day, oh such a place, oh such a... conceptual awakening as it is to be in this meadow. Look at the grass, so green, so vibrant. As if to greet me and send me off to succeed in my endeavors. Look at the sky, cheering me on it's heavenly language of clouds and sunshine. Look, right now it's saying hello. Hello sky, how are you today... oh that's wonderful, I'm doing pretty well myself.... ( giggles) oh thank you. Are you ready meadow? Are you ready tree? Are you ready rock? Are you ready other slightly smaller but still equally as good rock? You ought to be, you are going to be made a part of history. The stories and interpretations of your presence here shall puzzle and inspire scholars for ages. Which rock did Sir Rabbidu the Rapturous sit on before he completed his quest. Well to be fair, I'll sit on both of you. ( Goes to sit one then sits on the other rock) There that's just right. No one needs to feel left out when Sir Rabbidu the Rapturous is on the scene. Oh that's right tree, I haven't properly introduced myself. I am Sir Rabbidu. No not that Rabbidu but I can understand the confusion. There have been many Sir Rabbidu's. There has been Sir Rabbidu the regal, Sir Rabbidu the Rolicksom, Sir Rabbidu the Right, Sir Rabbidu the Wrong, Sir Rabbidu the Rabbidu of Rabbidu ( He was the first one) and I Sir Rabbidu the Raptuous.

So what sets me apart from all of other Rabbidu's? What makes me different from Raddidu the Rude, or Rabbidu the Rank, or Rabbidu Random? I am Rabbidu the Rapturous and hence I am raptuous. I am so rapturous in fact that, whenever I go undercover, I am unable to hide my positive disposition and must simply come up with an appropriate synonym. For instance, when I am in the dark kingdom of Draknakitum, I disguised myself as Jared the Jovial. When the evil witch Guuknookkaspook put a bounty on my head because I refused to wed her, I cleverly assumed the identity of Enel the Ecstatic. And when the terrible pirates of tallow's peer raided my ship to take me ransom, the could only find Hank the Happy. I earned my name not only from my own disposition. Due to my pheremones, I excrete a musk which makes everyone in a 20 ft radius naturally cheery. I do not revel in it, indeed it has made being a knight difficult at times. All of my great battles, and duels, and other activities where I ought to  be trying to kill someone end up with us going to the pub. Would you believe that I have yet to actually kill anyone yet? Not only that but because I have never killed anyone, I can never know woman because I have never actually gotten around to saving one. I suppose I could always find one that doesn't need to be saved, but where's the fun in that? To be this happy and pleasant is simply torture, especially because I am unable to revel in being unhappy because I am not really unhappy. My last chance at proper knighthood lies in yonder castle, where the most beautiful damsel awaits. Between her and I is an evil wizard who's name is unpronouncible. He has cast spells on all of the statues of the castle so that they have become stone monsters, without mercy, without reason, and without a sense of smell. My destiny as a Knight waits there and I will take it. Just as soon as I wash up for good measure. ( leaves, Barrimore Enters humming fanfare)

Barrimore: Again I find myself in this meadow, but not for long. Any moment now I shall embark on perhaps the most daring and exciting adventure I shall ever have. Indeed more glorious than the Mad Magician I fought on the peak of mount Maktor. More dynamic than the dragon of the durragon dungeons. More fantastic than when I fought and de-feathered the feared Flemish fifty foot flying falcon Feffinfofferfaf. It's actually too bad that this meadow isn't a little more ominous. Perhaps a little more blue than green, with a nice grey undertone. Perhaps a few thunder clouds. That tree could at least be a little more frightening. Why, today is more appropriate for a picnic than a battle. I suppose I could come back tomorrow and hope for a more imposing mise en scene. But if I do that, I suppose I'd have to change my entire schedule. Not only the rescue, but the escape, the trek across treacherous terrain, eventual wooing, a tragic seperation, a vow to reunite, a hair cut, miscellenius, and a triumphant reunion and marriage. Everything would be pushed back at least a day and then I'd have to consider weekends and holidays. No I'd best do this today, or face the consequences. I will simply cross this meadow with my eyes closed and let my imagination make everything as frightful as I see fit. ( Runs back off stage, Rabbidu enters)

Rabbidu: I am ready, all that stands between me and my beloved and the life affirming bloody battle beforehand is a few yards of ( Barrimore enters with a blind fold, humming fanfare to himself. The two bump into eachother)

Barrimore: Who is there? A ghost, a gremlin? Show yourselves, I'll split you in half. I'll carve you up like a melon.

Rabbidu: Stop that, I'm not a ghost or a gremlin.

Barrimore: Then why can't I see you?

Rabbidu: You have a blind fold on.

Barrimore: Touche ( takes off blindfold) Oh hello. I'm sorry sir I did not mean to bump you and then threaten you with murder.

Rabbidu: Oh that's quite alright.

Barrimore: I just feel awful. I remember I also called you a ghost and or a gremlin, which could not be good for your self esteem.

Rabbidu: Oh my self esteem is quite alright.

Barrimore: Excellent. Excuse me, are you a knight?

Rabbidu: Why yes I am.

Barrimore: You will not believe this incredible coincidence. I am also a knight.

Rabbidu: Oh that is wonderful. Good for you.

Barrimore: How wonderful it is to be knight.

Rabbidu: Wonders of wonders. You hit it on the head sir.

Barrimore: The mere title is enough to imbue us with meta human capabilities.

Rabbidu: As if the stars were lit, the world was shaped, and the feudal system was designed specifically to accomodate us.

Barrimore: With the strength to topple mountains.

Rabbidu: The beauty and grace to that could bring oneself to tears.

Barrimore: The divine gift of strategy and reason.

Rabbidu: The passion of the world throbbing in time with the heartbeat of god for us.

Barrimore: The constant reward of glory and honour.

Rabbidu: People to carry things for me.

Barrimore: We are gifted men.

Rabbidu: If only we could share our gifts.

Barrimore: If only we could, but alas it cannot be for that would be ungrateful to the people who gave us those gifts.

Rabbidu: Us.

Barrimore: And before one can be fair to someone else, one must be fair to himself.

Rabbidu: True, you speak with the reason of Socrates.

Barrimore: And you agree with the wisdom of Plato. Sir, I am currently on a quest and am attempting to cross this meadow blindfolded...

Rabbidu: ... so that you can pretend that you are travassing a much more ominous terrain, an excellent idea.

Barrimore: Would you assist me.

Rabbidu: If you will assist me also.

Barrimore: Of course ( is done up) now you do me.

Rabbidu: Here you go ( does up Barrimore) Friend. I have an excellent idea, what if I should spin you around till you were dizzy, this would not only make your adventure more scary, but also more dangerous and arduous.

Barrimore: You would do this for me?

Rabbidu: A favour from one knight to another. ( spins Barrimore) So sir, I have yet to ask what your quest is.

Barrimore: Well it is indeed interresting, you have made a wise enquiry. I am on my way to rescuing a maiden from yonder castle.

Rabbidu: (Pushes him away) Then we are enemies.

Barrimore: (facing the wrong way) Treachery, you may have fooled me once with your good manners and disarming aroma, but this time you will not be so lucky.

Rabbidu: Luck will have nothing to with me cutting you in half. Your time has run out coward. Where are you?

Barrimore: You will never find me until my sword finds you.

Rabbidu: Hah, you fell for my trick, my acute hearing has pinpointed your position. Prepare for the end! Hyah ( swings at tree).

Barrimore: Missed me!

Rabbidu: You may be fast, but you have again fallen for my trap. I now know for sure you are here. May death be as cruel as I. Huk! ( swings at nothing)

Barrimore: If I have any hopes of beating him, I must do more than dodge him, I will have to go on the offensive. Hwwooo ( Swings sword on opposite end of stage)

Rabbidu: Nice try, but no match for this. Nach! ( Swings sword)

Barrimore: Fear oblivion for it has found you. Snoo! ( swings sword.)

Rabbidu: Such swordsmanship as mine, deserves to be seen. Remove your blindfold, and I shall tutor you before you die.

Barrimore: I need no handicap. Remove your blindfold, I want my sword to be the last thing you see.

Rabbidu: Both of us on three.

Barrimore: 1

Rabbidu: 2

Together: 3 ( both remove blindfolds, look around and see each other on opposite ends of the stage. Both awkwardly come to the centre.)

Rabbidu: Well who are you anyways, sir. Your crest is obscure and not easily recognized.

Barrimore: That's quite alright, the masses are not ready to ingest a taste so strong as mine.

Rabbidu: That's a lot to swallow.

Barrimore: My name is Barrimore ( Pause)... Barrimore.

Rabbidu: Saying it a second time won't make me remember it. I've never heard of you.

Barrimore: Well who are you sir.

Rabbidu: Prepare yourself, I am Rabbidu the Raptuous.

Barrimore: Rabbidu the rapist?

Rabbidu: No... no... that's somebody else.

Barrimore: Well indeed I recognize the surname, but that is not all that is expected of a knight. There is also a matter of achievements.

Rabbidu: Oh pish, what have you done?

Barrimore: I have slain a giant.

Rabbidu: So what? ( turns away to think) I've killed two giants.

Barrimore: I've killed six.

Rabbidu: No you haven't, you said a, aaaaa giant. Singular. You at most have killed one giant, which is paltry compared to my killing two.

Barrimore: I believe you are lying sir.

Rabbidu: Oh?

Barrimore: I bet that you have not only not killed 2 giants, I bet that you have not even killed a giant, giving me the advantage. I also am pretty certain that you have not even seen a giant.

Rabbidu: Yes I have.

Barrimore: What do they look like?

Rabbidu: A person who is giant.

Barrimore: ( aside) He knows his giants I'll give him that. ( to Rabbidu) Fine. How did you kill this Gigantic Dynamic Duo?

Rabbidu: I tied their shoelaces together so that they tripped and fell on their backs, and the force of gravity made them fall so fast from their respected height that it broke their spines.

Barrimore: That's it?

Rabbidu: Yes that is it.

Barrimore: That was a horrible story.

Rabbidu: No it wasn't

Barrimore: A terrible tale.

Rabbidu: Now stop that

Barrimore: They ought to call you Rabbidu the Regrettable Raconteur.

Rabbidu: My story was elegant. There is beauty in brevity.

Barrimore: Brevity is one thing. I've heard a belch which had more going on.

Rabbidu: Well you are just being vulgar.

Barrimore: Well you are being a liar, because I know for a fact that your story is not true.

Rabbidu: What?

Barrimore: Giants don't wear shoes with laces, they only wear sandles.

Rabbidu: Really?

Barrimore: Really. They find shoes too restrictive.

Rabbidu: Well what difference does it make whether I killed a giant or not. 

Barrimore: You didn't.

Rabbidu: Nothing will stand in the way of me rescuing my true beloved from yonder castle.

Barrimore: Not true because I will stand in your way because that is my beloved in yonder castle.

Rabbidu: No she isn't she is my beloved.

Barrimore: How do you know? Have you ever met her?

Rabbidu: Have you ever met her?

Barrimore:... She is my beloved.

Rabbidu: She is mine. ( both start wrestling their ways towards the audience.) All my life I've been told that I am to save the lady of the black castle.

Barrimore: Black Castle? You don't even know what castle her castle is, it's grey.

Rabbidu: Shows what you know. Look... it's black. ( points out to audience stage left)

Barrimore: What are you talking about. It's obviously grey. ( points out to audience stage right. Both look at their fingers and then move them to where the other one was pointing)

Both: Oh.

Barrimore: There are two evil castles within 12 yards of each other.

Rabbidu: Well this is a happy coincidence. We can both have our own adventure and girl.

Barrimore: Yes I like this.

Rabbidu: Well good luck to you. Now if you excuse me, I must rescue the most beautiful girl in the world.

Barrimore: Yes... But you do mean the second most beautiful girl in the world.

Rabbidu: No. I mean the first most beautiful girl in the world, and the most exciting adventure. I mean... come on, it's a black castle.

Barrimore: I am well aware of it's shade, but I don't really think that having a black castle put all that more adventure or beautiful damsels in it. In fact, the only thing I would really believe either would have more of would be dust. And if it's particularly dry there... dandruff.

Rabbidu: Well what of your castle? Grey? What is there to say about grey. Nothing. Every castle is grey. How can you even be sure that that castle is the correct one. For all you know it might be the castle of some random accountant. Go ahead kill the accountant and claim his virgin daughter ( with a gross voice) Margery.

Barrimore: I know it is the correct castle because the legend said that it would be right next to the garish all black one. Black! It's the idea that everyone gets but are smart enough not to do because they know that in the summer it will be muggier than a swamp. Go have fun rescuing your sweat stained delirious princess.

Rabbidu: My princess is a radiant flower. 

Barrimore: As is mine. You've never even seen yours.

Rabbidu: Neither have you.

Barrimore: I've had people explain her to me though.

Rabbidu: So have I. This will be the test.

Barrimore: Mine is blonde, fair, pale, and beautiful.

Rabbidu: ( Who knows that his is the exactly the same.) Is there anything else.

Barrimore: I've been told that she has lips like rose petals.

Rabbidu: Mine has lips like cherries... Are her eyes like shining pools?

Barrimore: No, her eyes are like saphires... perhaps there is still the chance that we are dealing with the same person.

Rabbidu: Tell you what. We'll choose the description that we like better. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Now which do you like? Roses and saphires or cherries and shining pools?

Barrimore: Well I do like saphires... but at the same time, you can eat cherries.

Rabbidu: And rose petals do have a more appealing shape... but then again... what swims beneath those shining pools. (  Both are lost in thought. A farm girl enters.)

Farm Girl: Excuse me gentlemen, are you lost?

Barrimore: What? Oh... no.

Rabbidu: We are contemplating who should save who.

Farm Girl: Why don't you take turns.

Barrimore: No... we mean, which girl we should save from yonder castles.

Farm Girl: Well if it were up to me, I'd save that one. Although at the same time I probably wouldn't save either of em, cause I'm a girl and all.

Rabbidu: Why would you save that one? Have you seen both of them?

Farm Girl: Oh yes. I deliver bread and meat and cheese, staples of a good strong healthy diet, to both of them ladies. Howee, it's scary work though, both places are certainly dangerous.

Barrimore: So the one in the black castle is the more beautiful one?

Farm Girl: Oh my yes. The other one is attractive too, but she has a mole while the one in the grey castle does not. You could say that she's less attractive than the other one because she has a freckle. But i'm sorry, where I comes from, freckles is freckles, and moles is moles.

Rabbidu: Indeed, that is true. Freckles are freckles while moles are definitely moles. I bid you both ado. 

Farm Girl: Certainly lucky too. Because she also has less things guardin her. The other girl on the other hand has all sorts of terrible things goin protectin her from potential knight. Now the black castle does have it's fair share of creepy crawlies in there. It's got guards, and a moat, and some horribly ugly monsters. But the grey castle, has that certain something extra. That extra little glint in everyones eye that they won't kill you right away, but will slowly torture you instead. Cutting off bits and pieces of you so that you slowly don't recognize yourself anymore. Almost like they're trying to bleed out your soul. You know that sort of look. That and their moat has crocodiles while the other one only has alligators. And where I come from crocodiles is crocodiles while alligators is alligators.

Barrimore: Exactly, crocodiles are crocodiles while alligators are still only alligators. Thank you miss. Enjoy your befreckled lady Rabbidu.

Farm Girl: It's so nice to see everyone getting along.

Rabbidu: Wait! Now don't be so hasty. We don't need to make up our minds yet.

Barrimore: Why not?

Rabbidu: Because... well you'd rather have a pretty girl without all that trouble wouldn't you.

Barrimore: Well...

Rabbidu: Instead of straining so hard for ... for second best... oh dear... my plan has backfired.

Barrimore: What plan?

Rabbidu: My plan to convince you to take my girl while I go and get more glory with the other one. But by trying to convince you, I've unconvinced myself and now I'm not sure which I want.

Barrimore: Well why did you have to ruin it for me? I don't want to have to choose between having a hideous girl with glory or a beautiful girl with no glory.

Farm Girl: Neither of them is hideous, the one just has a mole is all.

Rabbidu: Cursed men are we...

Barrimore: It's your fault. I never really considered it until you piped in.

Rabbidu: I don't even know if I want either anymore.

Barrimore: Neither do I. It seems so pointless.

Farm Girl: Alot of boys seem to have this sort of fight. Sometimes, I wonder, why not pay attention to old Rebecca. I'm just about as pretty as either of those girls. And I aint got no blemishes. But no, it's always got to be a princess.

(Rabbidu and Barrimore look at eachother)

Barrimore: She's right!

Rabbidu: Why were we so blind. Here we are fighting over some girls all the way over there when there is a perfectly good girl right here.

Barrimore: And who needs an army when one on one combat is so much more dramatic.

Rabbidu: Two souls locked in mortal combat.

Barrimore: Our bodies heaving and striking.

Rabbidu: Till the final strike, when one will become the victor.

Farm Girl: Oh my this is so exciting.

Barrimore: Are you ready to die this time?

Rabbidu: I'm always ready to die. It's too bad that you aren't, it will be so much more surprising.

Barrimore: En garde, Rabbidu the Rabbit!

( The two fight. pause at a parry)

Barrimore: If you make love the way you fight, it would be fair to both Roberta and I if you'd just kill yourself now.

Rabbidu: I'm just getting warmed up.

( The two fight again. pause at a parry)

Barrimore: Barrimore and Raquelle has a nice ring to it don't you think?

Rabbidu: What are you talking about, Rabbidu and Raquelle sounds much better.

Barrimore: No it does not.

Rabbidu: Yes it does, it's even alliterative.

( The two fight again. Rabbidu is pushed to the ground. Barrimore is about to make his move but Rabbidu puts up his sword so that both have swords pointed at vital areas.)

Rabbidu: So it has come to this.

Barrimore: I must say I am surprised.

Rabbidu: Are you ready to do it?

Barrimore: Yes are you?

Rabbidu: Yes.

Barrimore: I'm sorry it had to end like this.

Rabbidu: So am I, I was even hoping that there was a chance that we could both survive.

Farm Girl: This is so exciting, If only my sister was here to see this.

( Both look at her)

Barrimore: You have a sister?

Farm Girl: Oh yes... An identical twin sister. Some would say that it was like looking at a mirror when you saw the two of us together.

Rabbidu: Does she have any defects?

Farm Girl: No she's my sister.

Barrimore: What's her name?

Farm Girl: Beth.

Rabbidu: ( Asks Barrimore) What is you're opinion of alliteration?

Barrimore: I don't mind it.

Farm Girl: Are you still going to kill each other? Because now that I think about it, Beth doesn't have a beau and would probably take a fancy to one of you.

Barrimore: What about the two ladies over there?

Farm Girl: Oh don't worry about them, some other knights will come and try to get em and probably die in the process. In the end you're probably both better off with me and Beth. With us everything is nice and symmetrical. Now you boys go ahead to me cabin and tell Beth all about it. She'll prepare you some stew and I'll be right over after I feed the princesses. ( leaves)

Barrimore: ( to Rabbidu) Do you have a fanfare?

Rabbidu: No I don't.

Barrimore: Would you like to hear mine?

Rabbidu: Alright. ( They exit)

Sweaters (Revised and Surreal)

( Shot of Isabel, shot of Miles, shot of Isabel)
Isabel: Do you like this sweater?
Miles: Yeah it's a good sweater......
Isabel: Do you like this sweater?
Miles: Yeah it's a good sweater.
Isabel: Ok.
Miles:... So this dream I was having it was completely insane. I mean you won't believe some of this stuff. Dig this, I was a potted plant. And the world around me seemed so exciting and new, I didn't even have to move around to have fun. It was a blast just sitting there and digging all the crazy plant sensations. When you're a plant, everything is so jivy and electric, it's like a Rapture video. People would come to me and ask me stuff and I'd answer them with something wise or should I say sage. Yeah I was a pretty funny plant. But mostly people just came to pick at my leaves and smell my spicy aroma. Oh man the parties were great too. I was no wall flower. When it got a little bit more frisky, all the girls would rub my terracotta tummy and that got me a little excited, so I'd have to say "slow down, I'm a plant, not an animal". But they were cool about it, and we talked about our plans for the summer.
Isabel: Is this a good sweater?
Miles: Yeah that's a good sweater, at I was talking to these people but instead of of talking normally we'd talk with balloons. Whenever we wanted to say something balloons would just pop out of our mouths with whatever we had to say written on it. The floor would be filled with all this correspondence. This one really clever guy kept on rubbing his head with the balloons till his hair stuck up with the static electricity, and he'd say something like " this conversation is electric" which was pretty funny. We all had a really good laugh. The only problem was that it took so much air to speak, I mean some of us were turning blue. You had to be careful about what you said and making sure you expressed everything you could in one sentence so there were alot of run on sentences and that kind of sucked. One guy who was a really big stickler about that sort of stuff tried his best to speak properly, but he just ended up hyperventilating.  He kept on saying " Oh No, I am feinting. Someone get a doctor! Get a doctor!" But that meant he needed to blow up three balloons so he only got the first one out before passing out....
Isabel: Is this a good sweater?
Miles: Yeah that's a good sweater. There was alot of fun doing other stuff too. Like these gloves kept on drawing on my belly, all these squiggly lines. Just loads of them all over me. I was like a Jackson Pollock painting, it was excellent. I was a little worried at first because they were using permanent markers but that was all just part of the fun in the end. I think at times they were trying to send me messages, like " I really dig that scarf you were wearing earlier" or " you like Of Montreal? I like Of Montreal. Awesome." but for the most part, you could tell they were just having a laugh drawing their silly squiggles all over my tummy. My face was being painted alot too. That had nothing to do with the gloves, I think my face was just painted. The weird thing was I could never keep track of what the face paint actually was. It was that weird sort of thing where things seem to just shift around on you without you noticing it. It was kind of frustrating sometimes, cause just when I'd get a design that I'd like it'd move. 

Isabel: Is this a good sweater?

Miles: Yeah man, that's a good sweater. Things could be scary too. I was doing some weird stuff at times. I was moving around all jerky and wiggly. Everything was all black and white and german expressionist. My body kept on contorting and jumping around and I was worried I was losing my mind. I'd keep on telling myself to stop but on it would go, twisting and writhing like a buggaboo. But after a while I noticed that I was wearing silly shorts and I felt alot better. And all the scary movements were funny and light hearted. I think at one point I had on a paper sailor hat and neckerchief. I really liked that part. Oh hey is that the new Vanity Fair?

Isabel: Yeah.
Miles: Can I take a look at it?
Isabel: Sure.
Miles: Thanks. Vanity Fair. Vaaaaaaaaaanity Fair. Vanity Fair. I was meditating, and I was naked.
Isabel: That's hot.
Miles: That's right. It was really at that point that I realized I was in a dream, which was strange because it was most normal part of the dream. I was just sitting out in my backyard by the herb garden and just looking at things. Looking at me. I'd look at the plants which were dead because of the winter but would grow back later. I'd look at litter that I had left out in the yard which I was all about picking up as soon as it was decent to go back outside again. I'd look up at the tree tops and see all the light from the sky pouring through the leaves, sometimes it would be the sun but often it was just plain clouds muffling the sky. I sort of realized this when I realized that I was naked and in the snow, yet I wasn't cold. I was perfectly fine and happy to be out there thinking and reflecting about what a crazy old dream I was having. I'd say hello to dream things around me. Hello dream rock, hello dream tree, hello dream magnolia, hello dream herb garden. They didn't respond back but in truth I was just talking to myself so I guess they didn't have to. ( Mirror out in the back yard, wave to it). 
Isabel: Is this a good sweater?
Miles: Yeah that's a good sweater. Finally I ( Cindy calls and tells me her dream)
Miles: That's really awesome man.
Cyndi: Thanks Miles
Miles: No, thank you ( hangs up) Cindy's a great kid.
Isabel: ( Talk about something)
Miles: I just remembered the end of my dream. I was walking on a road and I came across this old blues man. He was crusty and hunched over but he had that sort of old timey wisdom that one expects from a blues man. But as I drew closer I recognised the voice. And when I finally got there, I saw that the Blues man... was me.
Isabel: Yeah.
Miles: I'll see you tomorrow?
Isabel: Hey Miles.
Miles: Yeah?
Isabel: That's a good sweater.
Miles: Awesome.
( Might change the ending)

Practicing and other scripts

( Actor 1 reads soliloquies from the waves while the other practices dancing. Than switch.)

( Fencing. Close up on foil handles from above. Medium shot on both actors as they're pulling out their foils. Actor 2 has a book.)
Actor 2: Ok so the role calls for fencing so we're going to fence.
Actor 1: En garde.
Actor 2: That's the spirit. So first we parry. ( Both parry) Then we parry again. ( Both Parry) Then we parry this way. ( Both Parry) Then We parry that way. ( Both Parry) And Parry ( Both Parry)
Actor 1: Are there different names for these parries?
Actor 2: ( Reads) Yes. Ok so this one is one, that one is two, and three and then four, five.
Actor 1: Now how do we hit?
Actor 2: From what I can gather you hit the sword when it parries.
Actor 1: Alright so we'll just cycle through all of these.
Actor 2: Do you want to strike first?
Actor 1: Um... I don't know, do you want to?
Actor 2: emm.... no you do it.
Actor 1: Ok. ( They stand there for a second). Parry. (actor 2 parries very slowly, actor 1 hits it). I think we need to be a bit more decicive about this. Let me strike first really slowly and you parry.
Actor 2: Ok. ( Actor 1 hits him) Ow Dammit.
Actor 1: Sorry.
Actor 2: That wasn't slow.
Actor 1: Sorry.
Actor 2: ok let's try that again.
Actor 1: Fine ( Does it again) Sorry.
Actor 2: That's it, I'm striking now. ( strikes slowly, actor 1 parries.) How did that feel.
Actor 1: That feel good. Let's speed it up ( They do it a couple more times till actor 2 accidentally hits actor 1's wrist.)
Actor 1: Ow damn, ow.
Actor 2: Sorry.
Actor 1: Arrgh.
Actor 2: You ok?
Actor 1: .... yeah I'm fine, let's keep going. I'll strike this time.
Actor 2: ... ok ( they get ready, actor 2 looks scared)
Actor 1: Parry ( Actor 2 parries slowly, actor 1 begins to strike actor 2 ducks away.) Don't do that.
Actor 2: Ok ( Happens again. They do it again and actor 2 drops his sword) Your turn to parry.
Actor 1: What?
Actor 2: Just let me strike. You're better at parrying.

the rehearsal

( Lecture theatre stage set to look like a low budget production of a living room. Actor 2 is on stage playing a young man in a wheelchair with a script. On stage is an actress made up to be his mother, holding script but less dependent.)

Actor2: ( reading) "How was I supposed to know that Ollie was too drunk. I guess I was too worried about the outcome of the next game."

Mother: ( reading but acting at the same time) "I guess you were. And now your brother is dead, and your leg is broken, and you'll never play hockey again."

2: "Oh mom, I just don't know what to do. Now that my twin brother is dead, I feel like a part of me is missing."

Mother: "You didn't think did you. You didn't think about the consequences did you."

2: " No I didn't." ... Oh, sorry. ( Wheels to the other side of the stage where a cup is and throws it off the table)

Mother: You can't just throw away your responsibility. What are you going to do with your life?"

2: "What can I do with my life?"

Director: Why are you reading it like that? Do you think this is a joke? This is a tragedy.

2: Sorry I just haven't gotten much time to drill yet.

Director: Well you better. This is the best piece of modern Canadian writing in the past 20 years and I'm not going to let you screw it up.

2: Alright. But it's not really a tragedy. He learns how to walk again in like 4 more lines.

Director: Shut up. What do you know about theatre? I played Hamlet for chrissakes.

2: Ok.

Director: Get up. ( Actor 2 gets up and the director gets in the chair) Alright people, we're going from the top. ( Wheels into place)

( Director reinacts the scene hammily while scene goes on in the wings between actor 1 who is wearing a fake beard and actor 2)

2: He's a lunatic.

1: I know what you mean.

2: Of course I haven't bothered learning the script. Have you read this shit. I can't do this.

1: Hey man at least you get lines.

2: You're the lucky one. Whenever I read this I want to blow my brains out. It sounds like it was written by a fifteen year old.

1: What does he think he's doing? Who's he trying to perform for? ( Director says " What can I do with my life?") Crap that's my cue.

2: Have fun.

1: Screw you. ( Walks on stage)

Director: Oh no, it's you? You the true victim of all of this, who was struck dumb by me and my friends reckless racing. Why are you here?

1: ( Sort of gestures)

Director: You can't mean you forgive me?

1: ( Nods head. Director rolls over to him and touches his face.)

Director: You're crying. ( Focus on actor 1's face) If you have the strength to forgive me, certainly I should have the strength to walk. ( Tries to get up, falls out of wheel chair. 1 goes reluctantly to help him up. Director denies the help and slowly pulls himself up. Shot of him from behind with the spot light silhouetting him.) Yes!

Rehearsal

( The Lecture Theatre, In front of a back drop of a cafe with pieces of coffee tables infront of it. Two actors dressed as french revolutionaries reading from scripts with bad french accents.)

1: "iz this the life we live?"

2: "I do not know... I know nothing"

1: "If only I could be so lucky. I know everything."

2: "Don't tell me, I don't want to be depressed"

1: "But you have to hear Renoir."

2: " Really"

1: ( Turns page) " Yes"

2: "Sacre-bleu"

1: "Tomorrow we may die"

2: "We may live"

1: " Possibly, but we will die."

2: " Don't get so depressed"

1: " I had a dream once"

2: "Oh?"

1: " I died"

2: "Oh."

1: " That's right."

( I think this would actually work for something else)

Sweaters Script

( single take with a handheld camera camera. Two people come down hall and enter room, camera follows through opened door.)
Miles: Thanks for bringing me along.
Isabel: No problem. Thanks cooking the soup.
Miles: No problem. Always willing to help out.
Isabel: Ok, so I'll go try them on and you tell me what you think.
Miles: Sure thing. ( Girl goes behind curtain, guy sits on chair with magazine on it, picks up magazine and reads it casually.) This is a cool room. It's got an ambiance you know. I like it.
Isabel: Thanks. Toss me that shoe.
Miles: There you go... So what are you up these days?
Isabel: Oh you know.
Miles: " Jus chillin'"
Isabel: That's my style.
Miles: hmm...
Isabel: Ok what do you think?
Miles: It's a good sweater. ( gets up and goes to the girl, camera follows) I like this business here, it's cool.
Isabel: You think so?
Miles: Yeah man, you're good at finding sweaters.
Isabel: Thank you. Ok sit back down, I got some other ones to try on.
Miles: Oky doky. ( sees a scarf) Ah man cool, a neckerchief. May I.
Isabel: Go ahead.
Miles: ( puts it on. Camera moves so they're visible in the mirror) I've been wanting one of these for a while. You could say I've had a hankering for one.
Isabel: ( pause) Well back to work.
Miles: sigh, Alright. ( sits back down. Sees a fedora, tries it on and looks in the mirror, phone rings twice) What should I do?
Isabel: Just pick it up, it's probably Cindy.
Miles: ( picks it up while looking at himself in the mirror)Hello?
( Cut to Cindy in her room, on phone.)
Cindy: Hello?
( Cut back to the first room)
Miles: Hello?
( cut back to cindy)
Cindy: Is Isabel there?
( It sort of cuts back to each one for each one)
Miles: Nah man she's busy.
Cindy: Is that Miles?
Miles: Yeah man.
Cindy: Whats going on?
Miles: Oh we're having fun trying on sweaters.
Cindy: Fun.
Miles: What about you. What's Cindy up to?
Cindy: Well I was hanging out with some people.
Miles: Cool people?
Cindy: Oh of course.
Miles: Well that's good.
Cindy: So why are you trying on sweaters with Isabel?
Miles: Why not? Can't one person simply enjoy another person's company while the other one tries on sweaters.
Cindy: Oh Miles, You're just too crazy.
Miles: Well if that makes me crazy, I don't wanna be sane.
Cindy: Is Isabel still busy.
Miles: No I don't think so. Wait a sec.
Isabel: How's this
Miles: It's a good sweater. The cat is cool. Talk to Cindy, I have to go to the bathroom.
Isabel: Down the hall.
Miles: Awesome. ( Leaves, Isabel takes phone and some scissors. There is a shirt on the floor that she starts cutting)
Isabel: Cindy?
Cindy: Isabel.
Isabel: How's it going.
Cindy: Not too bad. So what's up with Miles.
Isabel: Not much, he's trying to get into this sort of stuff, figured I'd show him the ropes.
Cindy: Take him under your wing?
Isabel: That's the idea.
Miles: ( Coming back in) Hey man, if I got a cello would you be able to play it.
Isabel: I don't know. It'd be different.
Miles: True.
Cindy: Is Miles back?
Isabel: Yeah, he's looking at my Vanity Fair.
Miles: Vanity Faaaair.
Cindy: Say I said hey.
Isabel: Cindy sais hey.
Miles: Hey Cinds.
Isabel: Miles just called you Cinds.
Cindy: Miles you jerk.
Isabel: You're a jerk.
Miles: P'shaw. ( pause)
Cindy: So Isabel.
Miles: Tell her I said "P'shaw"
Isabel: Miles says p'shaw.
Cindy: What?
Isabel: To you calling him a jerk. He says p'shaw.
Cindy: He's weird.
Isabel: Just a little.
Miles: ( chuckling) Oh "p'shaw" Miles you are a character.
Cindy: Anyways Isabel, do you wanna come over tomorrow.
Isabel: Sure, sounds fun.
Cindy: Cool. Well tell Miles I said bye.
Isabel: Cindy says bye.
Miles: See you later Cindy.
Isabel: She hung up.
Miles: Oh I'll miss her.
Isabel: What do you think of this sweater?
Miles: It's a good sweater.
Isabel: I'm not so sure. I don't think I'd ever wear it.
Miles: No?
Isabel: You try it on. Maybe it will complement your aesthetic.
Miles: Well if it complements my aesthetic.
Isabel: Yeah that works.
Miles: I really like this. It feels... correct.
Isabel: Keep it.
Miles: Really?
Isabel: Yeah.
Miles: Are you sure.
Isabel: Don't make me change my mind.
Miles: Awesome. I shall never forget the day Isabel gave me a sweater.
Isabel: No, I don't imagine you will.
Miles: I'll pay you back for this. Maybe not with money, maybe not with a service, but somehow.
Isabel: I'm looking forward to it.
Miles: I'll write you a song.
Isabel: Nice.
Miles: It'll be psychadellic, or reggae or something.
Isabel: Psychadellic.
Miles: You got it, birthday girl.
Isabel: I think that's the last sweater.
Miles: Then I guess we're done.
Isabel: I guess we are.
Miles: ( pause)
Fin

Movie script idea.

( Starts out with an auditions sign. Moves into theatre, girl tap dancing to ragtime. Switch between full bodied shots and shot of her face under a lot of stress smiling. Shot from beside her shows two people talking in grated catwalk. Two shots from behind so tap dancer is visible and beside.)

Actor 1: How long is this song supposed to be?

Actor 2: Can't be much longer.

Actor 1: It's been going on forever.

Actor 2: Well it's been about a minute.

Actor 1: This is just bad etiquette. I want to get out of here.

Actor 2: How come?

Actor 1: What do you mean how come? I want to go home.

Actor 2: Why? What's at home?

Actor 1: Well nothing I guess.

Actor 2: Then what's the problem?

Actor 1: Nothing I guess.

Actor 2: There you go. ( Pause) You know I think I saw her in something.

Actor 1: Oh?

Actor 2: Yeah, well I didn't actually see her, I got there late, but I saw her afterwards.

Actor 1: What was she in?

Actor 2: Oh some thing.

Actor 1: Ok. ( Pause) Was she good?

Actor 2: I don't know. I didn't see her.

Actor 1: Yeah but did anybody say anything about her?

Actor 2: I didn't really ask.

Actor 1: Hmm.

Actor 2: Well she's there right now, judge for yourself.

Actor 1: Oh I can't see anything really.

Actor 2: Whatever. ( Pause) Oh yeah, it was some sort of church thing.

Actor 1: Oh man, I can't stand things at churches. They always want to talk to you afterwards.

Actor 2: You don't like talking to people afterwards?

Actor 1: Not really. I like talking to people I know afterwards, but I don't know anybody at church things.

Actor 2: Well I know people at church things.

Actor 1: Good for you. ( Pause) So what is your song going to be?

Actor 2: Luck Be a lady.

Actor 1: Ah man.

Actor 2: What?

Actor 1: You can't do that, I'm doing that.

Actor 2: Well I've been preparing this for about a week.

Actor 1: So have I... Do you have the book?

Actor 2: Yeah. ( Takes out book)

Actor 1: Ok, you sing that.

Actor 2: I don't know that.

Actor 1: It's easy... " Brush up your shakespeare... da da da da" ( actor 2 joins in, neither know the actual melody)

Actor 2: Well if you like it you do it.

Actor 1: It's out of my range.

Actor 2: It's out of my range.

Actor 1: Tell you what.

Actor 2: What?

Actor 1: I'll roll you for it.

Actor 2: Good idea.

Actor 1: Evens.

Actor 2: Odds. ( Rolls the dice) We shouldn't have done that on the grated floor.

Actor 1: Crap where is it?

Actor 2: Well go down and get it.

Actor 1: You get it. ( Shot of tap dancer, the dice has rolled to where she is dancing, back to both of them.)

Girl: ( off screen) aaaaah. (both look over the ledge)

( In the hallway)

Actor 1: Brush up your duh duh ( actor 2 joins in, girl with friends hobble by the actors go in for their auditions)